the real me

I write this blog at the risk of being too open and honest to reveal a little about myself. I've spent much of my teenage and young adult years trying to figure out who I am, which I believe we all do a bit of, although my journey may not be as glamorous. I put on different masks and pretend to me someone I am not because, to me at times, the risk of actually showing who I am and being vulnerable is not worth it. I've tried to be the person who knows all of the right words to say at the right time, who does not do the popular thing, and who is not cliche. Well, readers, the fact is that I am the opposite of all three of these things, and that's okay. That's how I was made; that's who I am. I've spent far too much time pretending to me someone that I am not instead of being who I was intended to be, someone who has it all together and never messes up. But, boy, am I thankful for the grace and love from a perfect God, who loves me in my imperfections, although that exact word scares me. So, here I go...giving you a little insight into who I am, and I am so grateful that I am at a time in my life where I am more than okay with who I am.

--If it's a cliche, girly thing, I'm into it. A co-worker asked me just last night, "Carlin, are you a girly girl?" Why yes, I am. I like the Bachelor. I like the color pink. I get my panties in a wad for no reason, and I have my list that you do not want to be on (although I AM working on forgiveness.) I am a sucker for any Nicholas Sparks novel and must see the movie based on any romance book. I'd much rather wear a dress than a pair of slacks, although my budget is not conducive to that. I like Diet Coke. I can be on the verge of high maintenance. I squeal when I see friends and say, "aww" to anything remotely adorable. I have a purse-sized high maintenance dog who I speak "baby talk" to. I think of myself as the "All-American Girl" in Carrie Underwood's song.

--I do not have it all together. My nails are not always done. I miss deadlines set on me by myself, husband, and others. My legs are not always neatly shaven. I'd rather do things the easy, home-made way. I don't cook. I don't enjoy grocery shopping. I may wear a clothing item with a hole or stain in it. I may wear things that don't match. I may wear clothing from middle school.

--I am laid back and free-spirited. For some reason in college, I thought it was cool to be type-A. Imagine "Jane" on ABC's Happy Endings. Not saying that it isn't cool, but that is not who I am. I am reckless and clumsy. I say things before I think. I forget to do stuff. I can have a sticky note attached to my person, a handwritten reminder on my hand, and a typed memo on my phone all in an attempt for me to remember to do something, and inevitably I will forget.

--I love with reckless abandon. I care deeply for the people around me. I got in trouble a good bit, especially in high school, for trying to run friends' lives, trying to tell them the right decision to make instead of letting them do the living on their own. I love my loved ones so deeply and want what is truly best for them, although what is truly best is for me to simply be quiet, and let life happen. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I obsess over the way something is said to me and try to figure out what the speaker meant by it.

--I am OCD about CLEANLINESS. Everything has its spot in our apartment, my car, and my classroom. If we lose something, Jordan usually blames it on the fact that I've put it somewhere he can't find it.

A Hillsong worship song I listen to a good bit on the way to work talks about the day on which we see our Savior's face and that there will be no hiding when we are in His presence. That He will see us for who we are and will love us still.

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me
Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

-The Real Me, Natalie Grant

**This blog by no means believes that all change is a bad thing. Change is a very good thing and letting go of sins and things that keep us from experiencing unhindered communion with God is necessary. On my journey, a sin that I have struggled with is trying to please everyone by pretending to be someone who I am not, by obsessing over perfection. This blog is to show how freeing it has been to realize who I am and what makes me tick and being content with that.